It has been 7 months. We should have been celebrating Cora’s first Halloween and picking out cute costume(s) for her to wear. Instead, I packed up all of her clothes in the nursery. It was a very emotional and heart wrenching thing to do. I kept them out in case we were having another girl but when we found out we were having a boy I knew this day would come. I knew I didn’t want anyone’s help and that I couldn’t wait until I was too big to be bending down and trying to pack things up. It was hard. I cried majority of the time looking through her darling things and laughed at myself because I swore I wasn’t that mom to have tons of lace or frilly things.
I grieved for her so much that day. The fact that I wasn’t having another daughter hit me really hard. I have a great fear of never having another daughter and having to pack her clothing up just made that fear greater. It’s not that I am disappointed by having a boy, it’s really not. It’s just one of those moments, many moments I will have in my lifetime, that will be a “what could of been”. But its not a girl I am grieving for or wanting, it’s my girl. I honestly thought Cora was a boy so a girl was shocking to me! But she became my girl and that is what I am missing.
So, I packed away all of her clothing and shoes into boxes. Carefully labeled by size in case we do have another girl one day. I put most of her things from the hospital, memorial, and sweet gifts sent to us in an adorable trunk in the nursery. They are not far and her little brother will one day see those items. Cora’s ashes and foot/hand imprints will stay out. I can’t bare to have her foot/hand imprints put away. Her precious feet and hands touched that spot so I love running my fingers over it every day. Her ashes will remain out as well. We have her ashes in two urns because I was the Goldie locks of urns (not on purpose). The first urn we got was too small (they warned us there wouldn’t be many ashes so we got a small size) but then that wasn’t big enough. So then we got a bigger size and when I opened the box it was HUGE. Comically huge. By that point, I was so over the fact that I had was having to pick out an urn for my daughter that we just decided to put her ashes in both. So now, we have the large urn above the fireplace and the tiny urn is in the nursery. Thankfully Paul & I were able to laugh at the absurdity of our situation and just get through it.
We also received our Molly Bear this month. A molly bear is made by volunteers to be the exact birth weight of your child. So, we got our Cora Bear and when I first held it I actually was mad. Because it felt heavy to me. I thought this was an odd reaction but I got used to the weight. I think the heaviness made me mad because a baby weighing that much should of lived. But she didn’t. And so we have our Cora bear to hold when we want to remember what it felt like to have her weight in our arms. It’s beautiful and I love it. The fact that strangers make these bears for families is just so special. I hope to one day use this bear to help explain about Cora to her siblings. I don’t want them to feel sad about Cora, I want them to know they are loved and watched by a very special angel in Heaven.
This blog post may not seem like it but we are still living on the bright side ;). I am thankful I got to put away her clothes with the hope of her baby brother joining our family in March. My pregnancy with Cora has had a profound impact on this pregnancy with her brother. I treasure every single kick, every one. I treasure every heart beat that I hear. I love putting my belly speakers on and wondering what it sounds like to him. I love that the Chicago Cubs won the world series this week because it put the biggest, most genuine happy grin on Paul’s face.
One thing I keep telling Cora is that even though her things have had to be put away she is not gone. She will not be forgotten.We have made sure of that and all of our family and friends have made sure of that. I’ve said it a million times before but our support system is incredible. By saying her name to me, by walking in her memory, by dropping flowers off on our front porch just because, you all have lifted us up. You have assured us that even though Cora’s excessive cat outfits are now being replaced by Cowboys jerseys and Batman pajamas, she will always have a place in many people’s hearts. And that example of love is the brightest of all <3.
Cheers to the Bright Side <3.