This is fun. This is fun. This is fuuun?? That is what I keep trying to tell myself. Pregnancy is supposed to be fun. Exciting. Thrilling. Beautiful. Well, pregnancy after loss is not so fun. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining about being pregnant. I am complaining about the feelings that come with being pregnant after losing a child. Paul & I know we are so lucky to be pregnant again. Now that we have been exposed to the incredibly heartbreaking stories of other families, we are counting our stars just being able to be in this position again. To have the hope of another baby. But with that hope comes terror.
To combat this terror and anxiety, we are literally taking it week by week. Or at times day by day. Tomorrow we will be 18 weeks. We celebrate each week that goes by like other parents do. But our weekly celebrations do not focus on whether the baby is the size of an avocado or orange (By the way, He’s the size of a sweet potato 😉 ). Rather our weekly celebrations mark that our baby has made it another week. Another week with a heartbeat. Another week down and another week closer to seeing our boy. Another week with him growing in my belly. Another week with him listening to Disney lullabies with the belly speakers.
We have been to 3 more appointments since we made our big rainbow announcement. This includes two appointments at the OB and one appointment with our Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist. Each appointment consisted of a sonogram and evaluation of how we were doing physically and mentally. In general, we do great until the morning of the appointment. Then we’re both very nervous but trying to keep our cool. If Paul can’t come then he knows the exact time of the appointment and he has to wait for news while at school. Once the appointment ran late and he texted me so worried because I had not given him any news yet. Another morning I slipped up and said “hopefully I’ll be able to text you a heartbeat”. I meant that in the sense of hopefully we could record it but there was a stillness after I said it because we both took it as “hopefully this baby still has a heartbeat”.
After the appointments are over, I am so emotionally drained. The relief of hearing his heartbeat and seeing him move is overwhelming. The fear that had been building is released and then thoughts or memories of Cora spring up. It can’t be helped, she is woven into this pregnancy with every big moment. Constantly comparing this pregnancy to my pregnancy with her. With her, I didn’t memorize all of the heartbeats or sizes. I didn’t really have the opportunity to do that because I did not have as many appointments. This time, I memorize everything. His heart rate last week was 150 bpm and he measured ahead in almost every category. His head measured 17w4d and his belly measured 17w6d, I was 17w1d at the appointment.
With Cora, I had an amazing pregnancy. I felt great and worried about a lot of silly things that don’t matter. This pregnancy is much different but that is okay. I had the perfect pregnancy and it didn’t turn out so perfect. Soooo, I’ll be okay with adversity if it gets me a healthy baby. This week we will be getting a fetal doppler for our home from a non-profit organization called Tiny Hearts. Tiny Hearts provides a fetal doppler to families who have lost a baby. We will have to return it after we’re done but once we get the doppler I will be able to listen to his heartbeat whenever I want. Y’all this is everything! When you spend a large part of your time wondering whether your baby still has a heartbeat…to be able to hear it at home is wonderful. Music to our ears <3.
So, tomorrow I will celebrate another week with my second baby. I will celebrate each one of his movements and text his dad when he’s kicking particularly hard or often. I will thank his sister for watching out for him as I do each week. I will continue to be grateful to have this opportunity to have another baby. I will continue to live with the hope that his pregnancy is going to end differently than my last. I will continue to live on the bright side with my sweet angel above and sweet boy in my belly.
Cheers to the bright side <3.