I feel like that’s where we’re at right now. Maybe this…Maybe that. Maybe it’s a blood clotting disorder. Maybe it’s APLS. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe you’re body can’t sustain a pregnancy. Finally, I just sigh and say “who knows” while shaking my fists at the keyboard. I would say sky but keyboard is more accurate…I’ve succumbed to what I call the “Dr.Google Method” lately. This is a terribly slippery slop that I try to avoid. But some nights/days, I find myself googling blood disorders and “stillbirth” in hopes of finding something new. New flash: I never do. And I won’t. So, it’s time to stop.
Last week I had 8 vials of blood taken to determine if I had a certain type of autoimmune disorder. APLS – Antiphospholipid Syndrome. What is this you ask? I do not really know so google is your best bet :). I found out I was going to be tested for this disorder on May 25…since then I have tried to find blogs, information, ANYTHING on APLS & stillbirth. But that quickly became terrifying information so I closed my browser. Nothing on a blog or some complicated medical report (yes, I attempted to read them…there was not a chance of me comprehending that information) could give me what I was, what I am looking for.
Before I had Cora, the doctor told us to prepare ourselves for never knowing what happened. They assured us they would run every test under the sun but if the answer was not in the science, then it’s not there. Being science people, we accepted that. It makes sense. It’s logical. I’m a logical person, if something isn’t making sense or I’m starting to freak out..I slow down and take a breath. Then I try to see the logic. Does this really make sense? However, logic is hard to find when it comes to the loss of a child. It isn’t logical. It’s ridiculous, painful, catastrophic, and will leave you feeling helpless and hopeless. You get pregnant and then you have a baby. Nope, not always.
Today, my blood work came back negative. I should be grateful that all my labs came back negative, it means that a lot of future health problems associated with APLS do not exist! It means that I am healthy. It also means that this is not the reason why we lost Cora. This is where my choice comes into play, my choice to live on the bright side. I cannot let the negativity and anxiety suck me in. The doubt, the scary information, the endless time spent wondering what happened. None of that is productive or helpful.Searching endlessly will not bring her back and it will not bring me peace. So, I will be choosing to forgo the Dr.Google method and just start to focus on what I do know. I know that I am healthy, I know that I have an amazing support system, I know that I have wonderful and intelligent doctors, and I know I’ve got a sweet angel that is with me each and every day.
Cheers to the Bright Side.