I have typed and retyped this entry 4 separate times. I even erased 1100 words worth of thoughts. I keep thinking I want this entry to go one way and then I find I’ve gone on a rant in a total different direction. I have such conflicting feelings about Mother’s Day this year. It feels like this year I’m on the “other” team. I’ll be one of those mom’s posting my Mother’s Day goodies & pictures with my Rowan. And that’s not a bad thing! Trust me, last year I was desperate to be one of those moms. However, I can’t help but reflect on how I felt last year during Mother’s Day. I avoided social media. I choked back tears as I watched my niece and nephews running around my parents backyard knowing that Cora would never do that. I had physical pain in my chest watching Paul rough house with my nephews. I couldn’t help but think what a silly holiday “Mother’s Day” is. And all the “extra” holidays…whats the point of them? Except National Margarita Day and National Cat Day…I love those :).
By all measurements I had a beautiful Mother’s Day last year. I had so many people reach out to me to make me feel special and to remind me that I was indeed a Mother. Some people I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS. My family wrapped their arms around me and loved me. They didn’t tip-toe around it or shy away because it was an uncomfortable situation. They loved on me like a real mom. I was a real mom but I didn’t feel like one. Mother’s Day last year fell right in the thick of my grieving. Cora had only been gone a month. We had just passed her due date. I was still going into her nursery every morning to remind myself that indeed this was my reality.
My arms were empty. My heart was shattered. I had no clue if I could have more children at that point. Instead of waking to Cora’s cries I was waking to touch her hand and foot prints. I held the locks of her hair and her hospital bracelets. I tried really hard to brave. I tried really hard not to cry because I’d spent weeks in bed crying. I just simply tried to survive the day.
I am writing this not to make you sad or to make you feel bad for me. I get paranoid when I write these entries that someone is going to comment “just get over it already”. I’m sure some people are thinking it. Heck, if I hadn’t gone through it…I might have said the same thing. I am writing this because now that I have been through it, I am acutely aware that there are going to be some broken moms on Sunday. And my heart aches for them. I wish I could spare them pain. I wish I could tell them its just another day but its not. Every day loss moms wake up knowing that they do not have their children. On Mothers Day they wake up and question whether they are a mom. Will they be making people uncomfortable with their presence? Will they break down in tears when they see that cute family at lunch?
I am not going to write some epic post about how you will survive this day. That you will be just fine. And look!- you might be spending next year with a baby in yours arms just like me. I cannot promise those things. No one is promised an easy life. No one is promised children.
My hope if you are feeling broken this Sunday is that you take care of yourself. Do not push your limits. Seek refuge with those who will love you & comfort you. I hope you know that there are thousands of other moms out there like you. They are thinking of you & praying for you. They share in your pain. You are not alone.
If you know someone who is hurting – reach out to them. Tell them you are thinking of them. Let them know they are loved & not forgotten. They may not respond to you but they will hear you.
Tomorrow will be my second Mother’s Day but in some ways it will be my first. I told myself before Rowan was born that I was going to let the joy back in my life when he arrived. I was going to soak in each moment with him. I would never take for granted his precious little soul. I would use the loss of Cora to pour my love into my family. I plan to live in those moments tomorrow.
But my heart will also be with those women who are facing a tough day. I am so sorry for the pain you have endured. I am so sorry this day will cause you more pain. Your heart is a true Mothers Heart. No amount of cards, flowers, or Facebook posts will change that.
You are treasured.
You are loved.
You are a Mother💜.